


I Let You Go

by VanityToAshes



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Earthborn (Mass Effect), Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Paragade (Mass Effect), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 06:01:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14928536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VanityToAshes/pseuds/VanityToAshes
Summary: A punishing reminder of what Kaidan no longer has with John Shepard.Torturing him for failing to protect the man he loved. A haze, blurring into unkempt days, weeks.. months. A concept to be avoided, distracting himself so it's forgotten.Time.Until one day, he receives a video message from a certain someone and time turns still.





	I Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first ever written, and shared fanfiction and I have no idea if it's any good or share-worthy.  
> So all suggestions are welcome, and comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! n_n
> 
> I couldn't decide on which ending, so I've included my original ending dialogue after the main (re-written) one.

Kaidan hasn't stopped working since the incident. Despite well intended pleas from his friends, he’s exhausting himself to death. He _wants_ to die.

After receiving a video message from John, does it give him hope, or will it be the final push that sends him over the edge?

 

~ **I Let You Go** ~

 

It has been six months.

Six months without John Shepard; hero of the galaxy- martyr.

Six months without the man he loves...

... _loved_.

Six months of taking any missions and odd jobs he can get. The jobs consisting of arresting thugs, looters and the like taking advantage of unfortunate souls who lost or abandoned their belongings. As well as helping clean up debris, reuniting families with their honoured deceased and repairing the damage the damned war left in its wake.

But in truth, it’s a distraction. To do anything other than succumb to the pain and emptiness in his chest, devoid of his heart, his soul.. his _reason_.

He doesn't sleep much anymore, he can't. He hasn't had a decent rest since the last, passionate night he spent with..

“Major?”

He furrows his brow, and brings an arm up across his forehead, wiping the sweat away.

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

A young woman, covered with sweat and dirt from helping with the seemingly endless clean up, stands upright with hands behind her back.

“Sir, I've been given orders to tell you you're dismissed. To rest and come back once you're recuperated. You're overdue for a good night's sleep and decent meal.”

“I'm fine.” He resumes shoveling another load of rubble to a large pile.

“Sir, with all-due respect, you're not fine. You've been here for seventeen hours straight and before that you were here for twenty-two. You're exhausted.”

“Don't tell me how **_I'm_ ** feeling!” he spat, biotics flaring around his clenched hands and the shovel, he winces in pain and places a palm to his left eye. Migraine. He stopped using his biotics hours ago for a reason.

“Your nose is bleeding, sir.”

“Dammit.” He mutters, taking a shaky breath, he wipes the blood from his nose. Propping his hands on the end of the shovel, he partially leans on it. “I-.. I'm sorry for snapping at you.” he says wearily.

“No apologies necessary, sir. We're all exhausted and a little on edge here.”

“Yeah.. thanks. Hey, why didn't anyone else try and contact me?” He inquires, narrowing his eyes.

“They did try, sir, but all messages sent to you have been left unread and all calls ignor- uh, unanswered. That's what I've been told, sir” She replies, correcting herself.

“Oh.. right.” Another deep breath, he looks around at the work that’s left. Considerably less rubble and debris, he's thankful he hasn't come across any more buried bodies. “Yeah, okay. I'll head to the bunks.”

“Actually, due to your status, you've been given access to the private room and facilities at the end of the hall, a message was sent to you several days ago regarding that.”

Brows knit together, he slowly shakes his head. “No, there are plenty of others who can-”

“Admiral's orders, sir.”

**_Crap_ **

“... Fine. Is that all?” He asks, defeated.

“Yes, sir.”

He nods, the woman salutes, turns and leaves.

The slightest movement sends his head spinning, the chronic pounding piercing his skull sending him on the verge of vomiting.

Not that he has anything to throw up, he can't remember the last time he ate or showered for that matter.

 

 ____________

 

Kaidan was relieved the door was unlocked, he wasn't sure he could be bothered or able to fumble to find his access code.

He instantly locates the bed, drops his bag of few belongings, manages to strip off his shirt before collapsing face-first in an exhausted heap, falling asleep almost as soon as he hit the mattress.

 

 _Echoes of gunshots, incoherent shouting, buildings collapsing, burning vehicles overturned, mangled, bloody bodies lay waste all around. The sky blackened with reapers and smoke - incinerating beams leaving a trail of destruction._ _A figure in the distance, standing in the centre of the chaos; a man. Armour in ruined pieces, barely holding onto the burned, bleeding body. The_ _flesh on the arm holding his side, broken and raw. Scars and eyes glowing, raging red with fury. The figure looks directly at Kaidan, piercing his innermost being. All is still, everything's quiet._

 _“_ ** _You_ ** _failed.”_

 

Kaidan’s eyes snap open, he's covered in sweat and breathing quick, shallow breaths; panic consuming him. He pushes himself up in a seated position and cradles his head in both hands, shutting his eyes tightly.

**Stopstopstopstop**

**Calmdowncalmdowncalmdown** **_breathe_ **

**_Breathe_ **

After a few moments steadying his breathing, the panic fading away, he runs his hands down his face and turns to check the time.

03:18am.

Over four hours of just laying there. Other than the rush of adrenaline, he doesn't feel any different to before he collapsed, albeit more soreness in his joints and the migraine not as prominent. Not even deep sleep can keep him from anxiety’s constricting snare. The same nightmare ever since that day. The day he lost everything.

He takes the bottle of water from the night stand, downing the whole lot with a few pills. He makes a mental note to keep his fluids up from now on.

Deciding to walk to the ensuite, he relieves himself then removes his remaining clothing and takes a quick shower, just enough to wash away all the grime that has settled on him. He doesn't take long showers anymore, it gives him too much time to think, to _remember_..

 

 _*The flick of a hot tongue behind his ear, soft lips spreading kisses along his neck, gentle whispers of praise, strong hands washing his back, squeezing his buttocks, arms wrapping around his chest, the body behind him pressing hard and close, hands trailing down his stomach teasingly slow until_ -*

 

He turns the shower off.

He dries himself and looks at his reflection in the mirror. He looks as if he's aged a decade or two. The colour of life having faded from his honey-brown eyes long ago, his hairline greying from the stress of his nightmares, the heavy lines under his eyes from months of sleep deprivation and his posture slumped having pushed himself to the brink of collapsing too often.

He brushes a thumb over a cut he'd recently received on his cheek...

 

_*He flinches as Dr. Chakwas pats antiseptic on his facial wound._

_"It's a good thing it only grazed you. A lot of others have not been so fortunate."_

_"So he's gonna be okay, doc?" John asks, standing in the doorway._

_"Aww.. you worried about me, Commander?"_

_He snorts in response._

_"He'll be fine. He's tough like you._ _Just make sure he takes two of these a day for the swelling." She gives Kaidan a cup of water with the pills._

_"You got it, doc. He is a tough sonofabitch - takes a hell of a beating in the b-."_

_Flustered, Kaidan chokes on the water, coughing manically, cutting Shepard off._

_"I'll presume you were going to say 'battlefield'."*_

 

After drying himself and putting on clean clothes, he decides to check out the rest of the room, having not taken many details in other than the bed when first arriving. He's thankful the lights are dim.

It's a quaint place. A food prep area with a mini fridge, a double bed to the right near the only window, a small desk and armchair, plus the ensuite, nothing fancy, but it's private. And being alone is want he wants, but knowing it's not what he needs. Too much time alone can lead to bad habits.. Too often having his body turn to strong drink, craving to be numb and his mind tempting him with more permanent solutions to end his suffering. Everything reminds him of _him._ Even the alcohol on the bench _calling_ for him with the same enticing song..

 

*“ _I swear to god, and when she used her biotics and the guy's armour popped right off, the look on his face- **PRICELESS**_ _!” The beat of the music barely covering the eruption of laughter at the table._

_“Yeah, I still don't believe it.” Joker says unconvinced, shaking his head._

_“Aww, you're just jealous you didn't witness the part I pulled the lacy underwear trick on him afterwards! Come on, have a little faith in your commanding officer, brittle bones.” Shepard responds cockily with a wink, followed by an echo of “oooo’s” at the last choice of words._

_Joker arches a surprised brow. “Brittle bones? Really? Heh. Well, having the whole bar know that makes me being the better dancer even more enjoyable, ironic even.”_

_“Dancing? Is that what you call it? Now I thought it was just Shepard's special way of clearing a room.” Garrus chimed in._

_“Haaaha,_ **_hic_ ** _I could have s-sworn it was his.. human_ **_hic_ ** _mating call..” Tali drawled drunkenly, swirling her cup and straw in the air._

_Shepard's face was deadpan._

_Vega threw his head back, laughing and clapping his hands together._

_Kaidan with his face buried in his arms on the table, was in laughing-tears at this point.*_

 

Kaidan gives in to the drinks call. He doesn't  bother getting a glass, he takes the whole bottle and decides to find some food. Settling for a few protein bars, he then sets himself on the armchair at the desk. He unwraps a bar, but before he takes a bite…

 

*” _Ugh. Tastes like ass. Why can't we have real food on this ship.” Shepard states, leaning against the doorframe chewing on a protein bar with an expression of disgust._

_“But I thought you liked eating ass.” Kaidan replies, with a smirk._

_“Your ass, yeah. But these taste like non-specific ass. Eating you out is more enjoyable.” He says nonchalantly._

_“So.. you're saying that you'd be satisfied if food tasted like.. me?” Kaidan asks, eyebrow raised._

_“I dunno. ..Huh.. I've just forgotten what you taste like.” John shrugs in playful, faked forgetfulness. “Guess I'll have to refresh my taste buds.”  He smirks darkly and heads toward their room, Kaidan following behind.*_

 

Kaidan takes a generous gulp of the alcohol, relishing the burn, and then bites into the bar, chewing bitterly _._

**_I just wanna do one damn thing without remembering you. Just one damn thing._ **

So he decides to check and catch up on his messages, at least the more important ones first, before he's  _too_ intoxicated. 

Two-hundred and eleven unread messages and eighty-nine missed calls. He wasn't sure when he started ignoring his omni-tool, or if he even ignored it on purpose at all.

 

____________

 

After replying to tens of messages, and briefly calling those back in appropriate time-zones, he looks at the cold, empty bed, thinking whether he should attempt to sleep again…

 

_*Hot breath mixing with his own, untamed hands holding and exploring each other's  bodies. Low moans echoing in the room as they entwine and rock in synchronised union._

_“God, you're beautiful like this Kaidan.”_

_Lips press against lips in fervent passion._

_“So fucking beautiful.”*_

 

He grimaces and takes another long swig of his bottle.

He starts to get up when he gets another message, one that contains a video file. He almost shrugs it off until he saw the sender.

__________________________

|To: Kaidan Gorgeous Alenko

|From: John Handsome Shepard

|Subject: Open me and find out

 

At first he thought it was a cruel joke. Shaking his head in disbelief, wondering how low and depraved someone has to be to prey on such tender emotions. But ‘ _curiosity killed the cat’, s_ o they say, and he opens the file.

 

“ _Hey, gorgeous_ ”  
  
Familiar ocean-blue eyes and a warm smirk greets him.  
  
**Shepard..**  
  
Kaidan’s eyes widen and his heart pulpitates with new anticipation and raw pain.  
  
“ _Thought I'd catch you early. 05:00am, am I right?_ ”  
  
05:00am on the dot.  
  
Shepard is putting on the armour Kaidan last saw him in.  
  
His memory flashes, vivid, reliving the moment Shepard orders him to the medbay. *“Go!” Then he sprints away as fast as his legs can carry him, towards destruction. Kaidan’s arm outstretched, in a futile attempt to hold onto his last reason to live. **Come back to me**.*  
  
… He got left behind.  
  
He blinks that thought away, swallows thickly and watches the man before him.  
  
“ _If you're watching this then that means you're alive, thank God_.” he says relieved. “ _And… well shit, that means I'm dead. Again.”_ Adding that last bit sarcastically.  
  
**It's really you..**  
  
“ _Did I die a hero? Did they make a statue? Is it hot_?” He asks playful and curious, quirking an eyebrow up at the last word.  
  
“ _Hell, I set this to send six months from now to give myself some recovery time, so I could delete this sappy shit before it arrives. You know, incase I'm found alive in a pile of rubble somewhere_.”  
  
**They did find you.. but not alive.**  
  
“ _Maybe I should’ve waited two years incase  Cerberus decides to pull another resurrection out of their ass_.”  
  
A breathy chuckle escapes Kaidan’s throat. **Believe me I tried..**  
  
*” **You** failed.”* Kaidan clenches his jaw taut.  
  
“ _Anyway.. there's not much time, so I'll make this brief_.”  
  
**No.., please stay.**  
  
“ _Heh. It's funny.. with all that's going on.. with death around the corner, I can't stop thinking about last night_.” He averts his eyes and bites the corner of his bottom lip, something Kaidan always found sexy and adorable, though he never told Shepard that. “ _Thinking that,_ ** _that's_** _what making love is like. That there really is a difference between that and fucking. I regret not trusting you sooner. It was perfect. You're perfect. I didn't deserve you.. and you deserve better_.”  
  
Kaidan’s eyes brim with tears. **But you're all I ever wanted.**  
  
Shepard slips his finger under the chain around his neck, pulling the tags out into view. He brings them to his mouth and presses a firm kiss on the metal; Kaidan’s name.  
  
Another flash.  
  
_*After their last night together. Shepard sitting next to him on the edge of their bed, having just placed a soft kiss to Kaidan’s lips. He reaches to the nearby bedside drawers, grabbing his dog tags and places them around his lovers neck. He presses his left hand over the tags, near Kaidan’s heart, and Kaidan puts his own hand over Shepard’s._  
  
_“Keep these safe for me, just incase. You so much as scratch them and I'll haunt your sexy ass.” Shepard says, spanking Kaidan’s left butt cheek._  
  
_“Ow! H-hey.” He smiles crookedly. “Only if you promise to look after mine. And give them back.” Shepard gives his man another chaste kiss. “Deal.”*_  
  
  
  
His heart rate increasing, Kaidan grabs hold of the tags between his chest, closing his hand firmly around them. Shepard's tags.  
  
“ _You mean everything to me, Kaidan. You were my sanity. You gave me hope. Hope of a peaceful future with you, growing old and pathetic together_.” He chuckles. “ _Can you imagine that? No war. We have our own house in Vancouver, we do all those things we planned in the snow at Christmas. You become an admiral_.” His voice lowers. “ _And I have my way with you, peeling you out of that tight-fitting uniform, taking you on our balcony_.”  
  
Kaidan’s heart skips. **Why are you telling me this..**  
  
“ _I wish we could do everything we planned.. everything we promised_..”

Shepard's features sadden.

“ _But we can't always get what we want_.”  
  
Tears flow freely down Kaidan’s face, his heart torn out all over again.  
  
“ _But you can_. _You can make those plans a reality_.”  
  
**What..?**  
  
“ _With someone else_.”  
  
**You're insane.** He shakes his head incredulously.  
  
" _I want you to live your life_. _Do what you do best and help people. You're the only human spectre we have and a damn good one. Stay sharp, there are plenty of assholes still out there. And when things settle down, buy that dream house of yours, marry the love of your life, be the beast I know you are in bed and have some damned kids. Yeah, I’ve seen the way your eyes light up when you see a baby. It’s fuckin’...” the look on Shepard’s face and the motion of his hand shows Kaidan that he's deciding within himself whether to be a smart-ass or serious. “... adorable_.” he settles for the truth.  
  
**_You_ ** **were the love of my life.** **_We_ ** **were meant to start a family.** He thinks bitterly, heart-broken from Shepard’s words.  
  
Shepard runs his hand over his head and sighs deeply.  
  
" _It's hard to say goodbye, Kaidan. It's so fucking hard. .... Heh. Don't think_." He winks suggestively.

Shepard was never good at _not_ using innuendos or other jokes at the worst of times. Kaidan figured it was his way of coping with a situation - difficult ones in particular.

_*”What would I do without you?”_

_“You'll never find out.”*_

Kaidan’s own words.. turned against him. And Shepard wants him to live with that. Without _him_.

Bereaved, Kaidan buries his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking from uncontrolled sobs.

Shepard's features soften and he smiles warmly. " _The time spent with you.. us together, though short, ..are the best memories I have. I will treasure them always. You have given me more than I ever dreamed of having. You made me a better man. I was the luckiest man alive. Because of you.”_

Kaidan manages -forces- himself to look back up at the video, his vision blurry.

Shepard’s eyes are reddened, with water welling up, his expression dismal. Ashamed, he turns his face away from the camera, never having shown such raw emotion or pain to anyone before.

Anyone who mattered.

He takes a shaky breath, and turns back toward the camera, his eyes looking passed the lense, the fallen tears visible on his cheeks.

He owes Kaidan that much.

_“You can pull through this. If anyone can, it's you. I know you can. You can do it, baby.”_

Shepard feigns a light-hearted smile.

 _“You've made the galaxy proud, the human race proud.. you've made **me** proud. And whatever you do.. don't give up_ _.”_

There's a brief moment of silence.  
  
" _There's so much more I want to say, but time's nearly up_.”  
  
He clips his last piece of armour on and reloads his weapon.  
  
“ _So I'll end with this. Something I've_ **_never_ ** _told anyone, or_ **_ever_ ** _said before for that matter. So listen up_.”  
  
Shepard leans forward, arms spread either side of the surface. He stares directly into the camera's eye for a few moments, silent. His countenance crestfallen. His sorrow painfully apparent.  
  
Kaidan’s heart drops.  
  
“ _I love you, Kaidan_.”  
  
“...”

"I love you too, John.” he whispers.  
  
“ _And I let you go_."

**~End~**

****Original Ending Dialogue Below****

 

. . .

John's features sadden.  
  
“I wish we could do everything we planned.. everything we promised..”

He corrects his posture, his expression serious and his voice stern.  
  
“But we can't always get what we want.”  
  
Tears flow freely down Kaidan’s face, he feels shaky, his heart torn out all over again.  
  
“So now it's up to you to make those plans a reality.”  
  
**What..?**  
  
“With someone else.”  
  
**You're insane.**  
  
“Move on. Don't sulk over me. We're done." He says matter-of-factly, as if all emotional attachment is severed.  
  
"Live your life. You're the only human spectre we have and a damn good one. Do what you do best and help people. Stay sharp, there are plenty of assholes still out there." He says, his features slightly soften, his tone not as cold, "And when things settle down, buy that dream house of yours, marry the love of your life, be the beast I know you are in bed, and have some damned kids. Yeah, I’ve seen the way your eyes light up when you see a baby. It’s fuckin’ adorable, pathetic even.”  
  
**Fuck you. _You_ were the love of my life.** He thinks bitterly, heart-broken at John’s harsh words.  
  
“There's so much more I want to say, but time's nearly up.”  
  
He clips his last piece of armour on and reloads his weapon.  
  
“So I'll end with this. Something I've **never** told **anyone** , or ever said before for that matter. So listen up.”  
  
Shepard leans forward, arms spread either side of the surface. He stares directly into the camera’s eye for a few moments, silent. His countenance crestfallen; sorrowful.  
  
Kaidan’s heart drops.  
  
**No. No, don't you dare, don't you _fucking_ dare say-**  
  
“I love you, Kaidan.”  
  
**You _bastard_**.  
  
“And I let you go."

**Author's Note:**

> Kaidan blames himself for John’s death. He lives with the guilt of not being there to protect his lover, hence the “You failed.” in Kaidan’s recurring dream. 
> 
> On their last night together, despite Kaidan’s usual ‘boss’ (but still bottom) role, John tells Kaidan that he trusts him and he wants to know what Kaidan feels like. This is from an idea of mine with John having a traumatic experience years ago with a rival gang, resulting in him promising himself he'd never be topped again. 
> 
> The title “I Let You Go” was inspired by what Clay Jensen says in 13 Reasons Why in season two’s last episode.


End file.
